Something to sink your teeth into

My nip.ple, apparently. Ah, the woes of breastfeeding a teething baby. In general breastfeeding this go around has been good (after the 6 week break in period). W is typically very gentle, unlike her brother who would use my nip.ple to bare down while he was pooping during nursing. And that kid pooped while nursing a lot. It wasn't too painful when it was just his gums, but the first time he did it with a sharp baby tooth I needed a stitch on my are.ola. I can just see my male readers cringing at the words nip.ple and are.ola. I am cringing at the sight of those words with periods in them but I am trying to foil the google search from bringing this blog up for those seeking different information. I already attract enough perv attention with the naked child jumping on a trampoline picture.
Speaking of google, I thought I would share some of the search words that people have used to find my blog (and click away hurriedly). I love to envision what they thought when their google search brought up my lovely little blog. I have been meaning to do this for a while.

baby 4am farts gas
baby pain fart
farting 18
Fart seems to be a very popular search word to get people here. Oh, how disappointed they must've been when they saw the goodness that is this blog. Especially the farting 18 person. I wonder if they farted 18 times in a row and were looking to celebrate (or commiserate) or they are 18 and still farting? Either way, congrats!

18 years in the army and counting
18 years movies
18 years.com
asshole 18 years
18 is also very popular in searches. The first three are pretty tame, although 18 years.com sounds like a real blast:
"Like, OMFG, my mom just doesn't understand me. She totally wouldn't let me and my friends drive the minivan to go see the midnight showing of Twilight! I hate her. When I become a vampire she is going to be the first one to go!!!!11!"
The last one makes me wonder if I am getting a glimpse into my future. Because I was a total asshole when I was 18 (see quote above and replace Twilight with Interview with a Vampire). Which means my children will probably end up being super, mega assholes when they are 18. I hate to say it but sometimes my three year old is a little asshole right now. Especially when he tells me I am "chunky like a baby." And that he wants to poop on my head.

stop reading the news
Yeah, I hear ya on that one. I tell myself every day that I am going to do that. Unfortunately, i have a bit of schadenfreude when it comes to celebrities and it keeps me from completely disconnecting from the media. I mean, blogs like this http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/ really make life worth living some times.

what can I say on my first therapy appointment
Ugh, I have no help for you on this one. my first therapy appointment was a half an hour of darkness consumed by some panic attacks and obsessive compulsive thinking. Sharing my scariest thought with Dr. m wasn't really cathartic then. I do have to say that she has an excellent poker face. That and that alone was what made me go back for my next appointment.

Zoloft for ppocd
I wish I knew if you were still reading this blog. If so, contact me somehow and we can talk. Zoloft is great. PPOCD is not. I hope you are doing okay.

That is all fo rnow. Happy Winter Solstice and that other "holiday that must not be named."

Oh the weather outside is frightful

The fire inside would be delightful if my three year old hadn't stuck something in the fireplace vent sometime within the last year which starts to smoke every time we turn the fireplace on.
I got my hair dyed and trimmed yesterday. I would post a picture but I am feeling extremely fat and gross today so it is not going to happen. While I was getting my hair done I had a very interesting conversation with my stylist, whom I have known for 5 years now. I told her about my PPD and all of its ugliness and she confessed that she too had experienced something similar in the year following the birth of her son, who is the same age as A. Even down to the same fixation with death. Interestingly enough, she still deals with those thoughts and feelings occasionally. Which was both a comfort and a little frightening.
It was nice to know that other people have thought the same things I have and felt the same way that I do. However, the fact that she still has these thoughts now troubles me greatly. One of my biggest fears is that my life will never get back to normal. That I will always measure everything by my own mortality. Granted, these thoughts are not as persistent as they were when this whole mess started in August. But they are still there.
There are days when I have come to accept the fact that eventually I will die. That I am getting older and that there will be a time when I will no longer exist. I remind myself on those days that I should take each day as a gift. Because that is exactly what it is.
Then there are the days when I mourn the idea that there are so many things I will never see to fruition. That humanity will grow and progress and the earth will spin for eternity and that my time here is small and limited. And those days make me sad and scared. I wish they would go away. I wish I could be like I was before and never think about these things. Even writing this is tough...I feel panic welling up within me and my heart is beating faster.
S and A are in the office playing a computer game together right now. S is instructing him on the finer points of moving his mouse around the screen and A is laughing. The dog is curled up on the couch next to me, warmed by my body heat and sleeping peacefully.
When I look outside, I see the wind blowing leaves off the tree in the backyard and rain is starting to patter the window. I am always amazed at how this tree drops its leaves and becomes completely bare in the winter. When it is cold outside it always seems like the cold will last forever. It is hard to remember the warmth of summer when the wind is whipping your hair around your face in icy blasts.
Sure enough, every spring little buds start to form on the barren limbs. Gradually, the days become warm and warmer still. The daffodils we planted outside start to bloom and preparations begin to celebrate a slew of family birthdays (mine, A's, and now W's). Eventually the tree is covered in beautiful green leaves.
Each season has its purpose. Without the winter rain plants would not have water to grow during the hotter months.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am waiting for my spring to come.

Better living through technology

My lovely husband gave me a very special gift 3 weeks ago. It was something that I had coveted for a long time but never had the money to purchase. I hesitate to ask for expensive gifts now that I stay at home with the kids and do not bring any income. I know that I am doing my part by being with the kids blah, blah, blah but I still have a hard time with it.
S won an I.p.o.d. shuffle in a work raffle and came home and unselfishly gave it to me. After wanting one for so very long I was extremely pleased to say the least.
It sat. Waiting for me to upload something delicious to it. I didn't want to put just any music on it. The music that I chose had to be just right. The pressure was too intense. I was afraid that its inaugural play would be anti-climatic. So it sat some more.
When I go shopping I usually attract extremely chatty people. I am not sure what it is about my countenance but strangers always want to seem to talk to me. Usually I can tolerate it and on most days even enjoy it. In the midst of bad days, however, it is extremely hard for me to even muster what could pass for polite small talk. I want to retreat inside my shell and pretend like the world outside doesn't exist. I get tired of the constant reminders of my faults.
Inspiration struck this morning and thanks to $1.98 worth of i.tu.nes downloads and some mp3 scouring from my laptop my shuffle was ready.
When I got out of the car I put the earphones in. My bubble was complete.
A whole new world opened up to me. Queens of the Stone Age's 3s & 7s lit up the grocery store. Everyone pushing carts seemed to be dancing to the beat. I had the impulse to open and shut the freezer doors in time to the music. I literally floated to the self-checkout. Next, it was on to the liquor store.
Tupac's California Love was banging in my ears as I grabbed an extra large bottle of Tequila Blanco (I know, Snoop's Gin and Juice would've been more appropriate but I wasn't in the mood). Standing in line I noticed a few surreptitious glances in my direction and wondered why until I realized that I had been keeping the beat on the bottle with my fingertips.
My last errand was kitty litter and Z.o.loft at Tar-get. Only JJ Fad's Supersonic would suffice. I was in heaven in my bubble of sound. Blissfully ignored.
I read an article last week about the younger generation relying too much on technology. They are constantly talking on their phones, listening to music, and interfacing with their black.berries. Supposedly they are no longer aware of social niceities. This is the new normal.
After reading the article I was a little sad. I don't like the idea of people pulling away from each other and forgetting to reach out. To remember that we are all here and in this together.
But today I get it. Shutting out the noise from outside and rejoicing a little on the inside was wonderful. Life with a soundtrack was great.
Today I carved out a little peace in a world that is constantly in flux around me. My tapping foot was keeping me grounded.