Why do you hate Christmas so much?
Wow, good question right out of the gate. I think it all boils down to my own feelings of inadequacy in all things that I do. I never feel like what I do is good enough and spend an inordinate amount of time berating myself for not measuring up to some standard that I hold. This is especially true in being a mother. I think a lot about how my children will see me in the future and thanks to my own crappy relationship with my Mom I am terrified that they will feel about me the way I feel about her. The thought of disappointing them somehow makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. And this is the most difficult part of parenting...you have no control about how your kids will feel about you, even if you are doing the best job you possibly can.
That being said, the build up of Christmas and the anticipation of it is just too much for me. I feel like I will never do enough to make it as magical as everyone thinks it should be for children. So I feel guilty about it.
I also don't like having obligations to do anything (like giving gifts to people that I don't really like) or feel indebted to someone and all that comes with gift giving and receiving. I like giving gifts but don't like receiving.
I am working really hard on being more positive about Christmas for my kids. I would say that they probably have no idea I hate the season. I hope it stays that way.
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