My decision to start a new blog and try to make a go of it professionally kind of went bust. I didn't really like the format of the new blog and felt an itching to start this up again so here I am. Thanks to Sara and Adrianne for commenting on my last post. Nice to know someone out there is paying attention enough to see something new here.
So, my battle with PPD culminated in the desire to follow a dream that I had been denying myself for years. I always wanted to be a nurse, but years of my mother whispering in my ear, "Why be a nurse when you can be a doctor instead," always made me stop in my tracks. Instead of being a doctor I joined the Navy, got my degree in Human Services, and then quit a really crappy job to stay at home. All these years my fascination with nursing was still lurking. My brush with, lets be honest, a depression so deep and horrible that I probably could've offed myself made me realize that life is way too short to be doing what my mother thinks I should do. So, as of May of '09 I went back to school to do the required prerequisites to apply to nursing school. I am in my last class now.
I was still on Zol.oft that summer I went back to school and wondered how I would ever wean myself if I got used to studying while medicated. I was told once that you should always try to recreate the environment in which you study when you are taking a test, including any chemicals (like caffeine) that may be present in your body. I didn't want to feel tied to Zol.oft for that reason alone so I quit taking Zol.oft in between classes. Cold Turkey. Man, was that a mistake. It took a month before this really strange side effect that almost felt like my brain was jiggling inside my skull to stop. The first week was filled with nausea and terrible dizziness and self-doubt. I was a total moron for quitting like that, but after a week I just felt like I should continue because it would eventually get better. It did, but stepping down the dosage would've made a lot more sense and saved me 6 weeks of feeling gross.
Going back to school was a big adjustment after 4 years of having free time dedicated to only myself. But remembering that I have something to offer this world is SO worth never doing anything but studying when school is in session. I feel like a contributing member of society again. I have something to look forward to and I love that feeling.
Even though things are going in such positive directions here I still think about my battle with PPD every day. What no one tells you is that while your depression may get better, the changes in your life that came with it never leave. I still have feelings of guilt over the first year of W's life that I barely remember because I was consumed by the devil of PPD. I still have feelings of resentment towards my husband because I don't really ever feel like he believed that anything was wrong. And still to this day he seems to write the whole ordeal off as some kind of temporary inconvenience. I feel obligated to remind him that the whole thing could've gone in a completely different direction. Two years later he still doesn't seem to get it.
Most importantly, my outlook on parenting has completely changed. I remember being pregnant with A and never considering the enormity that parenting would be. Gleefully, I picked out names and got his room ready and pictured my warm, snuggly baby sleeping peacefully in my arms. Of course, we mothers are all innocent in that respect because how could anyone describe to the uninitiated the all encompassing thing it is to be a mother?
When friends announce they are pregnant I am filled with fear for them. No one ever plans on anything going wrong. When I envisioned being a mother I never imagined that something could cause ME to be the biggest danger to my children. I feel like I did being pregnant after having a miscarriage. Like the veil of innocence was stripped from my eyes and I can imagine all that could go wrong.
Maybe these feelings are just a reflection of the fact that I have touched the void personally? I have been covered in the depths of darkness and had the most horrible thoughts about life and its meaning circling through my head. I felt the wonder of life and the fear of mortality. In a moment, life became precious and fleeting.
I heard that you never really appreciate the tallest peaks until you have seen the bottom of the valleys. I hope that is true. I am due for some magnificence after coming through the other side of PPD. All of us are.
Posts
