I do believe that the zol.oft has finally kicked in. Woke up this morning and felt in my head again. i didn't feel the need to keep poking at my obsessive thoughts even when I wasn't obsessing about them. I actually started to feel excited about the future for once instead of feeling like I am going to die tomorrow. It was refreshing and gave me a glimpse of what I used to feel like before I was struck by PPD and PPOCD.
Last Thursday was a low point. I doubled my zol.oft dosage from 25mg to 50 and woke up feeling terrible. My one thread tying me to sanity throughout this whole thing was the fact that I didn't want to die. Suicidal thoughts have not been a manifestation of my PPD and for that I have been so thankful. Thursday rolled around, however, and I started feeling so low. Really, really low. And then those feelings of hopelessness that I would be this way forever started to come again. What scared me this time was that I told myself that I would not live my life like this. For the first time since this all started that included (for a moment) leaving this life if I couldn't resolve these feelings of terror and helplessness. For a brief second I thought that my children would probably be less damaged living a life without a mother than living a life with a crazy one.
Whew. That was tough to say. But true to what I was thinking then. Gradually over the weekend I just started feeling better and better. The intrusive thoughts continued to come but were easier for me to stop. The feelings of anxiety and despair were replaced by feelings of, well, nothing. Not emptiness. But not panic and fear either. There was something there but it wasn't happiness or sadness. It was just me being.
Me breathing.
Me living.
And for right now, that is progress.
I was so afraid that the zol.oft would make me feel like an automaton. I am sure that living my life with no emotions is probably easier than living my life with ALL of them surfacing ALL the time. But I don't think I want to live my life either way. There has got to be a happy medium somewhere in all of this.
My next therapy appt is Wednesday which is also the day I increase my dosage to my holding level of 100mg. After a week of that my doctor will reevaluate my progress. I am nervous to increase the dosage without really experiencing 50 mg for more than a week. We will see what this Thursday holds.
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That's fantastic - congratulations :-) I know what you mean about wanting to make sure you can feel something - finding a balance between feeling all of your emotions all well up all at once, and feeling nothing at all. I'm finding that balance with the meds; I'm currently at the 100mg dose myself and am finally at the point where I can actually enjoy and appreciate a poignant moment - like cuddling with my daughter, or watching a sappy tv ad - without having it turn into an overwhelming uncontrollable wave of emotions breaking over me again and again, or triggering illogical anxiety-ridden thoughts that lead me down a spiraling path to nowhere. It's nice. It's nice to be able to feel something - happiness and sadness - but not have it be all consuming. Familiar. Closer to my "old self" :-)
You will find the old Cate I just know it. Bits and pieces will come back... Remember you just had a baby and even though it is more than just post pregnancy hormones those are still trying to work themselves out too. Even if you weren't having PPD issues you would still not be back to the old Cate. I don't know if I am all the way back to the old Adrianne 3 years later. Wait am I making you better or worse. GREAT!
I really admire you, Cate. You have been self-aware enough to know that you needed to do something to change your situation. And you have. I know that this may not be an ideal state of being either, but, as you said, you're making progress. We're in the trenches right now, with babies as small as ours (and I do include our toddlers in that statement). The "old Cate" may not emerge for quite a while longer, but she WILL come back. I have a lot of faith in you, girl.
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