And I arrive 15 minutes late. Not sure if its the Zoloft but I felt like I had a handle on the directions and then talked myself out of going the right way about 1/4 of a mile before I got to the right office building. Sometimes I feel a little spacey lately. Could be the lack of sleep too.
The appt was interesting and nothing we discussed was unexpected. Based on listening to my symptoms the Dr. confirmed that I was describing symptoms of Postpartum OCD and Anxiety. The OCD diagnosis did throw me for a loop a little...I guess I just didn't think what I was doing was obsessive but after talking about it out loud with the Dr. I realized how abnormal it sounded. Revisiting thoughts in my head and hoping for some resolution seemed like something normal to do and I guess it is. Until you revisit a topic so much that has no resolution and keep revisiting it until you cannot think of anything else.
My main fixation has been death, specifically my death and the acknowledgment that someday I will die and so will my family members. I don't remember what I thought about that particular subject until the day I started suddenly thinking about it constantly. The anxiety stems from worrying about when and how I am going to die. Once I start thinking about it panic starts to well up within me until I feel like I am going to lose my mind with fear. My heart starts racing and I break out into a cold sweat.
I feel so disconnected with the world right now. I even find it hard to have normal conversations with people. I feel like I can't relate to them because of all the static that is inside my head right now. I worry about saying anything because nothing I say seems appropriate to the topic of conversation. For the past couple of weeks I have had people ask me if I was okay because they thought I seemed "out of it." If only they really knew exactly how much truth there was to that.
Tonight I increase my dosage of Zol.oft to 50mg, and in a week to 100mg. I hope that this medicine and therapy will help me. The Dr. asked me today what I expected to get out of therapy. I can honestly say that I want to make peace with my fears and be able to live in the moment and enjoy my children and my life. I don't want to feel like every moment is ruled by fear.
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5 comments:
Hope you don't mind me commenting twice. You must have just posted after I left my last comment. I just can really relate to your posts. Congratulations on getting to first therapy appointment!
Oh these posts break my heart. I so remember all those horrible feelings. I suffered from Post Partum Anxiety after the birth of my first child. Once I finally accepted the fact that I needed an anti-depressant (why oh why do we fight it?!) I got better immediately. I just want you all to know-YOU WILL GET BETTER. Most of the time it's just about finding the right medicine for your body. Hang in there and you will enjoy life again-I promise.
Please feel free to email whenever you want - there are so many women out there that understand you! You can find me on the postpartum.net coordinators board under Livermore, CA. I tried Zoloft but even though it gradually helped me to feel better, it gave me long dreams and insomnia. I ended up on a tri-cyclic. Your Dr. will probably monitor the zoloft and switch it up if it's not working. Sometimes it takes some trial and error but it all pays off. After I was through it I was happy, 100% myself again, and enjoying being a new mom. No more fears of someone breaking in while I was nursing and hurting me and my son... That day will come for you. Kim
Cate, I am praying that this is what you need to get better! I know you can do it!! HUGS!!!
My name is Stephen Long and i would like to show you my personal experience with Zoloft.
I am 40 years old. Have been on Zoloft for 2 years now. Zoloft certainly got rid of my depression and anxiety. It also helped me with sleeping and I did not gain any weight like others have. However I was younger when I tried this so perhaps my metabolism worked differently then. It was impossible to reach orgasm on this drug so I would sometimes delay taking my drug to give my body a mini wash out period and this helped. However, if I waited too long to take the tablet, I endured severe headaches and had to lie down. Fortunately, this was reversible as soon as I took the drug again. I eventually tapered off this drug thanks to my doctor's plan which worked perfectly. The main reason I gave up Zoloft is because at the time there were reports saying that long term use of it was dangerous.
I have experienced some of these side effects -
Sweatiness, loss of libido, EXTREME headaches if forget to take drug.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Stephen Long
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