I asked Steve to take this picture of W and I about a month ago. The reason I told him was that I wanted a picture that was of W sleeping on me similar to one I got of A doing the same thing at about the same age.
The real reason?
I wanted proof that I wasn't just fading away. I wanted something concrete to show that I was there that day physically because mentally I felt like I was slipping away.
I have had two bad days in a row. Last night before bed I asked for help. Anyone or anything who was listening (God, Buddha, Cthulu, etc) because I was desperate.
Guess what?
This morning I woke up and felt worse.
What did I think was going to happen? Divine intervention? Ha ha ha, what a fucking joke! Why would God step in and help me? If God truly exists and was going to help someone there are so many people in the world who need help more than me.
Fuck this stupid depression. Fuck this fear. Fuck the medication. Fuck it all.
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4 comments:
I still have bad days even with the meds and the weekly therapy. My bad days happen to coincide with my period so I at least know when I'm likely to expect them which is kinda nice. And those days I am unrecognizable to myself. Increasing my zoloft helped a bit with this latest round. And being able to negotiate a time with my husband so that I can have time each day before he goes to bed (I had to get him to promise to stay up "late" so I can actually get some time with him too!) to physically exercise has helped too - I have that familiar feeling of endorphins running through my body and my head gets cleared. I've just started week 9 of my exercise goal.
Keep taking your meds. Keep talking to your therapist. They don't always get the meds right the first try. Don't give up on it. You're on the right road; it's just unpaved at this point and it's got a lot of potholes and big rocks and mud in it.
I am so sorry that you are down in that hole right now. But, please know that we are down there with you to help you find a way out. In the meantime, find a way to get some exercise. It's the only thing that is saving what is left of my sanity right now. I walk for an hour a day, with Pepper in a carrier and a dog on each side of me. It's not a cure all, but it definitely helps. And like Heather said, keep taking your meds, keep talking to your therapist, and keep your husband informed. Thinking of you and big hugs to you.
It has taken 9 wks on zoloft for me to see results...and I think its just now starting to work because my dose has been increased so high - 200 every day - I truly thought it wasn't working for me anymore at all until the last few weeks. Every day I feel somewhat better...I do have some very low moments still, though. It takes awhile, as I'm sure you know. That may not help at all, but I thought I'd let you know the med still has lots of time to help you!
I have no words of wisdom. I just want you to know that I'm here and that I'm thinking of you.
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