Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is nothing better than eating delicious food with your loved ones close by your side. Unfortunately, this Thanksgiving has been tinged by some bad news. My Uncle D. had a stroke on Thanksgiving day and is in the hospital. He and my Aunt J celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this past August. Me and my little family went to the party at their house right as I started taking the Zoloft for PPD. I was still in the throes of death obsession and seeing all my relatives who have suddenly gotten very old was not very comforting to say the least.
I remember when I came home for Christmas for the first time since I had left for boot camp the previous July. I was startled to see how much my Mom and Dad had aged. When you see them every day you aren't really struck by the difference. But not seeing them for 6 months made the comparison more significant. Whenever I think of these things I am struck by lyrics from one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt Songs entitled Nick of Time:
I see my folks, they're getting old, I watch their bodies change...
I know they see the same in me, And it makes us both feel strange...
No matter how you tell yourself, It's what we all go through...
Those lines are pretty hard to take when they're staring' back at you.
Scared you'll run out of time.
When I was in college the mother of one of my instructors died. She said the worst part for her was the realization that there was now no one "above" her generationally. I think about that a lot too, remembering when I was a child how far away being old seemed. How safe it was knowing that there were older people above you looking out for you and your well being. Eventually, you become the oldest and that realization is startling and scary.
I don't believe in blessings. The word implies that people are bequeathed something wonderful and significant due to no work of their own part. I have begun to believe that my life is truly what I have made it because of the choices I made and path I have chosen. The other things that have helped me...where I was born, who I was born to, etc. are all just dumb luck.
Life is impermanent. What I have learned from PPD that life can not only be terribly scary but also excruciatingly beautiful. Experiencing the lows can only make you appreciate the breathless heights even more. They are not mutually exclusive. Without the terrible things you cannot have the wonderful. Without death you cannot have life.
I am thankful for
my daughter's soft hair that sticks straight up when washed
my son's dark eyes
my husband's warm arms holding me to him
my daughter's hand exploring my face as she nurses
my son's exuberance in all things
the softness of my daughter's skin
my husband's feet touching mine when I get back in bed at night after tending to the baby
Blessing implies that things once bestowed can also just as easily be taken away. I am not blessed with the things I am thankful for. And for that, I am thankful.

Recovery can go fuck itself

I feel like total shit today. Everything A did got on my last nerve (I must have a lot of them). I had to stop myself from taking it out on him (by being snippy, not beating the crap out of him) probably 50 times today.
I am sitting here watching him play Sm ash Brot hers on the W!! and wondering if perhaps I could be a lousier Mom. He is absolutely a wonderful child. He jumps around while he is playing this game like he is actually doing the fight moves himself. He had great behavior while at the store today. As far as time outs went there was nothing really out of the ordinary. I still wasn't happy, though. I felt miserable.
I had a thought pop into my head today. Do I give myself permission to be a total raging bitch because of the PPD? I mean, everyone has bad days. But when we have them we do something to make ourselves feel better because we realize that we need to snap out of it in order to function. I just seem to get lost in it.
Lost in
feeling hopeless about my life
being tired all the time
worrying about when this will all go away
wondering if somehow there is something more I should be doing
being annoyed by everything my children do
This is one of these days where I want to just get in my car and drive away. And of course S is working late tonight so I have no respite in sight.
W has a double ear infection and has been waking up every 1-2 hours all night long for 3 days. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

The Ties That Bind

Dr. M always begins each of our therapy sessions by asking "How are you feeling?"
I usually answer, "Okay." Even when I am not. I think it is just human nature to answer "fine" or "okay" because since no one ever says anything different it is what we have come to expect. We are conditioned to say these things. I have to remind myself every time that I am paying this woman to listen to how I am feeling, especially when I am not fine or okay. Doesn't that seem stupid?

At the end of my first marriage 10 years ago I started seeing my first therapist. Our sessions were so ineffective it was laughable. He continually commented on how attractive I was. I continually dodged his questions about my upbringing because I didn't think I needed therapy. I did, but being 22 at the time and invincible the idea of doing something tedious even if it were for my benefit was inconceivable.

What a difference 10 years makes. Dr. M has brought me more insight into myself than I would've gained alone in the same amount of time. I spend a lot of time during the sessions crying because she has pointed something out to me that is so simple but the cause of so much angst in my life. I definitely had work that I needed to do and probably never would have done if I hadn't gotten PPD. And this may sound strange, but for this and this alone I am so grateful for PPD.

Yes, I just said I am grateful that I got PPD. No matter how torturous this road has been and no matter how much I curse and cry about it I am growing as a person.

Starting to see value in things that seemed unimportant before.

Being forced to take stock of my life and what I have to offer as a person.

Realizing that some relationships I have with my family are not healthy.

That last one is the crux of the issue with me. My whole life I have been seeking the approval of someone. No matter what I did I never did it good enough. I always felt a failure. I am so very harsh on myself all of the time.

I realized two weeks ago that I now am living for another reason...to be present for my children. To do what I can to make their upbringing as healthy and whole as possible. The first way I can do that is to take care of myself. Which means I have a lot of mud to slog through, especially with my relationship with my Mom.

The first step was realizing that I will not always make her happy. And that is okay.
I also need to make decisions that are the best for me, even if she doesn't agree with them. That is okay, too. I am a Mom now and answer to no one except my own family.

What a revelation that was for me.

The first step was to put my foot down about the holidays. No more 3 hour one way trips in the car. W screams the whole way. Not to mention my mom's house is ill equipped for young children (stairs to the loft without a railing, a pool without a fence enclosure, exposed electrical outlets, and a gun she forgets to lock up to name a few things). I have to watch A like a hawk because I am afraid he is going to hurt himself. I never sleep well because she has a f*&$ing rooster that starts crowing at 3 am and dogs that bark all night long outside the window (they roam free on her 30 acre property). The kids get up all night long because her house is too hot in the summer and freezing in the winter due to her refusal to use the a/c and heater. It sucks. I think you get the idea.

So I told S that we weren't going there for Thanksgiving this year. I cannot put on a brave face anymore and consort with relatives that know nothing about me and don't care to know. Especially this year when I feel so raw. In my family there is no such thing as showing weakness. No one is privvy to your troubles, especially other family members.

I knew my Mom would be mad. I called her on Tuesday. She hung up on me while crying. Before hanging up she told me she wasn't angry, just disappointed. But 31 years of being her child helped me read between the lines. She thought I was being selfish.

This from the woman who misses her only grandson's birthday every year because she is vacationing in Cabo.

I am disappointed in her reaction because I expected it.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. This year, as most, I have much to be thankful for. Including PPD. Because while I fight to keep from succumbing to this illness I break free from the other ties that have held me down for so long.