The Ties That Bind

Dr. M always begins each of our therapy sessions by asking "How are you feeling?"
I usually answer, "Okay." Even when I am not. I think it is just human nature to answer "fine" or "okay" because since no one ever says anything different it is what we have come to expect. We are conditioned to say these things. I have to remind myself every time that I am paying this woman to listen to how I am feeling, especially when I am not fine or okay. Doesn't that seem stupid?

At the end of my first marriage 10 years ago I started seeing my first therapist. Our sessions were so ineffective it was laughable. He continually commented on how attractive I was. I continually dodged his questions about my upbringing because I didn't think I needed therapy. I did, but being 22 at the time and invincible the idea of doing something tedious even if it were for my benefit was inconceivable.

What a difference 10 years makes. Dr. M has brought me more insight into myself than I would've gained alone in the same amount of time. I spend a lot of time during the sessions crying because she has pointed something out to me that is so simple but the cause of so much angst in my life. I definitely had work that I needed to do and probably never would have done if I hadn't gotten PPD. And this may sound strange, but for this and this alone I am so grateful for PPD.

Yes, I just said I am grateful that I got PPD. No matter how torturous this road has been and no matter how much I curse and cry about it I am growing as a person.

Starting to see value in things that seemed unimportant before.

Being forced to take stock of my life and what I have to offer as a person.

Realizing that some relationships I have with my family are not healthy.

That last one is the crux of the issue with me. My whole life I have been seeking the approval of someone. No matter what I did I never did it good enough. I always felt a failure. I am so very harsh on myself all of the time.

I realized two weeks ago that I now am living for another reason...to be present for my children. To do what I can to make their upbringing as healthy and whole as possible. The first way I can do that is to take care of myself. Which means I have a lot of mud to slog through, especially with my relationship with my Mom.

The first step was realizing that I will not always make her happy. And that is okay.
I also need to make decisions that are the best for me, even if she doesn't agree with them. That is okay, too. I am a Mom now and answer to no one except my own family.

What a revelation that was for me.

The first step was to put my foot down about the holidays. No more 3 hour one way trips in the car. W screams the whole way. Not to mention my mom's house is ill equipped for young children (stairs to the loft without a railing, a pool without a fence enclosure, exposed electrical outlets, and a gun she forgets to lock up to name a few things). I have to watch A like a hawk because I am afraid he is going to hurt himself. I never sleep well because she has a f*&$ing rooster that starts crowing at 3 am and dogs that bark all night long outside the window (they roam free on her 30 acre property). The kids get up all night long because her house is too hot in the summer and freezing in the winter due to her refusal to use the a/c and heater. It sucks. I think you get the idea.

So I told S that we weren't going there for Thanksgiving this year. I cannot put on a brave face anymore and consort with relatives that know nothing about me and don't care to know. Especially this year when I feel so raw. In my family there is no such thing as showing weakness. No one is privvy to your troubles, especially other family members.

I knew my Mom would be mad. I called her on Tuesday. She hung up on me while crying. Before hanging up she told me she wasn't angry, just disappointed. But 31 years of being her child helped me read between the lines. She thought I was being selfish.

This from the woman who misses her only grandson's birthday every year because she is vacationing in Cabo.

I am disappointed in her reaction because I expected it.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. This year, as most, I have much to be thankful for. Including PPD. Because while I fight to keep from succumbing to this illness I break free from the other ties that have held me down for so long.