Tap. Tap. Tap. This thing on?

Yeah, I know. Its been a while. I have a million excuses why I haven't been blogging, but none of them are really worthwhile so I won't bother to share. Just thought I would put some things down that I have been thinking lately.
A is going to be in 1st grade in August. He is a smart kid, but is convinced that he is smarter than most everyone, including me. He may be smarter than most people we meet and may even be smarter than me. But he is not street wise yet like his Mama. He doesn't understand how I know what he is deviously plotting all of the time. I think I am in trouble when he is finally wise enough to pull one over on me. Until then, I will let him believe that I really do have eyes in the back of my head that hide under my hair.
W is starting preschool in August. When I started this blog she was a newborn. Crazy. She never stops talking. She loves to dance and sing. She shows me her "ballet" moves all the time, but most especially when she is wearing a dress. She makes her dolls and animals have distinct voices when she is playing with them. She is just a girly girl. I am not, but for her I try.
Every day I rejoice and regret staying home with them. It has been six years now and while I am glad that I made the decision to stay at home I cannot say that every minute has been a blast. Being a mom has been the most difficult and humbling experience of my life. I am trying to learn not to personalize everything. I do the best that I can. And that has to be good enough.
I am going back through and reading my posts on this blog. It is amazing to me how much insight I have lost in the years since I had PPD. I cannot say that I have truly mastered this disease. While it is probably too late to call this Post Partum Depression, it is still something I struggle with. But I have 95% good days, and the other 5% could be called bad but are by no means as bad as bad once was. Progress! But I dwell in the future too much, which is something I said i would stop doing when I beat PPD. It is just so hard not to fantasize about things to come when you are wiping butts and making sandwiches all day (not necessarily in that order).
After a 1 year hiatus, I decided to go back into therapy. I had abruptly ended my sessions with Dr. M due to insurance changing and not being able to afford her fee. I decided now to only go once a month, and she reduced my fee to make it more affordable. It was nice to see her again and talk about how I am feeling. I don't know why there are some people who are so skeptical about psychology/psychiatry. I love having a rational sounding board to run things by. Her insights are so poignant that I go through at least half a box of tissue a session.
I won't make any promises about coming back here for good. But, this is the first summer in two years that I am not in school and I am trying to remember what that feels like. It would be nice to blog again.