Still Alive

Just busy trying to keep myself distracted. My therapy appt on Wednesday was interesting. We discussed my childhood and my family. I was forced to consider many things that I hadn't thought about in a long time. More specifically, the terribly selfish things my parents did while I was very very young. And how those terribly selfish things made such a large impact on my life and still do to this day.
My Mom's absence from my life due to her constant working is what inspired me to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to make sure that my son (and, now, daughter) didn't feel like an afterthought as I sometimes did. While I am driving home from my appt my old friend panic decides to well within me. I realize that there may come a day when my son or daughter may blame me for the mistakes I made in raising them. Because while they are growing up I am growing up too. Trying to reconcile raising a child while figuring out my new job as a mother.
Flashback to me, pregnant, and working at a shitty job that I hated. Daily I pictured in my head all the wonderful things that my son and I would do together as I stayed at home. Cozy mornings of play doh and coloring. Afternoons spent frolicking at the park playing in leaf piles, followed by evenings by the fire drinking cocoa and reading Dr. Seuss. At no time did I picture the quiet desperation I would feel upon bringing home my colicky and generally displeased newborn son who screamed more than he slept.
I perservered through it. 3 months of no sleep and daily crying, his and mine. Then I met a friend and started to get out more. We commiserated. Each day kept getting better and better. I started to feel like myself again.
Fast forward 3 years later. While I am nursing my 4 month old daughter one afternoon a thought gets caught up in my head. And refuses to leave. For three weeks. The thought encompasses my every waking moment and has me constantly feeling terror and panic like I have never felt before. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I become the thought.
I seek help.
I start zol.oft and therapy.
I am scared life will never be the same.
I am right.
I feel like a lifetime of blinders has been ripped away from my eyes. Suddenly I am seeing the world through the eyes of my illness. I feel like I have been exposed and now I can't remember who I was before any of this.
Will I ever be her again?
Do I want to be her again?
I don't know.