A great word, that. Here is a post that is nothing but complaining.
I am flummoxed at all of humanity.
This morning my husband scolded me like a three year old. This isn't the first time he has done this and I am sick of it. I am an adult and if I want to break the baby's fucking jammies drawer because it wouldn't open and she was screaming her head off because she was cold and wet from her bath then so be it! That dresser is a piece of shit anyway.
A has even started scolding me. "Don't leave your water on the floor, Mama, or the baby will knock it over." Listen here, you little stinker. If I want to leave my water on the floor and the baby knocks it over then so be it! I will clean it up. I always do.
My daughter cries all day long. Whining, whimpering cries that become screams when she doesn't get her way. She is 9 months old and already throwing tantrums. If she isn't being held by me she is crying and pulling at my legs. I can't catch a fucking break with this kid. She still wakes up every two hours at night. I have tried to let her cry it out, however, she is so stubborn and determined that she will cry until I go in there. Or until her brother wakes up.
I have been contemplating just packing a bag and getting the hell out of here. When I was waiting for the Zoloft to kick in I contemplated the same thing, however, I thought that leaving would be better for the kids. Now I think that leaving would be better for me. How much would they hate me if I left? Is the chance at freedom worth the guilt I would feel every day of my life for abandoning them?
My husband gets to go to work every day. He has a whole room (office) dedicated to himself. He retreats there when he gets home because he needs time to decompress. I get that. I feel like even when I do get time to myself I am always on call anyway.
I fantasize about getting a hotel room and sleeping through the night uninterrupted.
I fantasize about going back in time to when I was young and unattached and reliving those times. I feel like I squandered that freedom and now I am mired here with no hope for ever being free again.
I fantasize about starting my life over in another city with another house, another job, another me.
As I am feeling these things I am also bogged down by guilt and remorse. I have so much to be thankful for. There are many other people in the world with much less. I should be grateful for what I have. I feel like if I don't appreciate these things that they will be taken away from me like some sort of punishment. Then I will really be sorry.
I am getting older. I have a bunch of friends who are assholes and say one thing and do another. My husband is self centered. My house is a mess. I'm hungry and tired. My dog just farted and it smells really bad.
Today is a day for screaming, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"
Cake Batter M&Ms Cookies
4 days ago
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5 comments:
Oh, Cate, how I do feel your pain. Let's get a hotel room, sleep through the night, leave scissors laying around, and generally be irresponsible. We're still allowed to dream, right?
Get a hotel room! I did it. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just a cheap, clean room that is all yours for one night. Give up starbucks for a couple of months if you need to. I went literally 5 minutes down the street from my house. But it was mine, for one glorious night! My husband promised not to call. I had a really really long bubble bath in silence and without interruption. I peed without an audience. Several times. I watched a chick flick end to end on pay per view. I went for a walk. I slept through the entire night. And then in the morning I packed up and headed 5 minutes up the street to home. Yeah, it was short. But boy, I felt good!
Oh yeah... and I didn't make the bed, and I left the towels on the floor in a messy heap. And I used up all the water glasses in the room and didn't wash them. And all that alone was almost worth it :)
Tell you husband to spend some time with his kids so you can have a break.
I've been following your blog after being referred by my friend. I am also going through PPD, and it's nice to read your posts and know that I'm not the only one who has good and bad days. PPD along with marriage problems is driving me insane. Although, there aren't a lot of people to talk to. I've wanted to go to a therapist, but I don't have the "balls" to call and set up an appointment. Reading your posts are making me feel more ready to do that. Thanks again for putting MY feelings in writing and for helping me to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this crap. :) Hope this week is better for you.
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