I need to stop reading the news

Ugh. On cnn.com today there was a story about a man who tortured a woman by raping and sodomizing her in her apartment for 19 hours. The things that man did to that woman are horrifying. Here is the link if you want to disgust yourself
Man convicted in graduate student torture
When I read things like this I always wonder what the mother of the man who did this is thinking. Does she blame herself? I know I would. I would constantly wonder where I had gone wrong in raising my son to have no regard for human life. Memory by memory I would slowly sift through the past and analyze everything I had done or said to my son to find a clue as to why he had become a monster. How do you continue to love someone like that? Or do you?
What no one explains to women before they get pregnant is that parenting is not only important and imperative to you and your livelihood but also that of others. Someday your children will be able to assert their will on others. They will be citizens of the world and can choose to be the source of joy to others or the source of sadness.
My sister works with youthful offenders for the Department of Corrections. Most of these young men were convicted as adults of adult crimes (murder, rape, etc.) but are too young to enter the general population of a state prison (we are talking like 15 or 16 year olds that would get eaten alive by the older prisoners). Some of these kids will be in jail for the rest of their lives as they serve out sentences for the most heinous crimes imaginable. She says that the running theme with most of these kids is that they endured the worst childhoods imaginable. Exposed to things that the young and innocent shouldn't be exposed to their impressionable little minds were hardened by fire instead of softly moulded like clay. And when they became old enough they inflicted torturous acts upon others.
I cry sometimes when I think about certain of these man-children. There are those that with the right guiding hand could've been something wonderful. Already their lives are over before they even began. These kids were let down by their parents and let loose on the world.
Sometimes after a really hard day with A I go and watch him sleeping and think about my monumental role as a mom. Someday my son and daughter will be let loose on the world as well with the gift of free will and the lessons I have taught them to guide them. I fervently hope every day that what I have done for them is enough. I also have newfound respect for my own parents, especially my mom.
Just look at my son's eyes. How could anyone abuse a child?And now for something completely different...

Its all relative

There are at least 3 articles on cnn.com talking about children being abused or murdered by their mothers. I feel so deeply for those children. It also helps me gain perspective on my mothering skills.
Most days I feel like I will be lucky if my children don't turn into serial killers when they grow up. I am an imperfect mother at best. I recognize that I have many many faults. Motherhood has been the most humbling experience of my life. I lament every day that I never have enough patience to be the best mother I can be.
Watching a video on the internet today of a mother purposely abandoning her two year old at Wally World really brought something home for me. While there have been many occasions where I have been grocery shopping and Wally World and wanted to abandon my two year old I haven't done it (yet). That puts me one step ahead of the rest of the world, right? Maybe I am not so bad of a mother after all.

Intense Momma Love

W is deep in the throws of intense Momma love right now. She went from being okay with everyone holding her to screaming her little head of when anyone but I hold her.
It is flattering but really, W, I get it. I get that you love me so much and need me all the time. But Momma needs a break every now and then and it would be a much nicer break if I couldn't hear you screaming your head off in the living room while I am taking a bath in the master bathroom. Ah well, this too shall pass, no? I just keep reminding myself that A will start preschool in the fall and W will be old enough to start having semi-regular naps then so there will be a day in the near future when I don't have a baby on me 24/7.
I had my first weigh in last night. I have lost two pounds on WW. It seems really insane to me because the amount of food they have nursing mothers eating is a lot. So much that some days it is a real struggle to eat all that I am supposed to and I end up and the end of the evening trying to find things to make up in points. Like last night at 8pm I had 8 points left to spend. And if you are familiar with WW you know that 8 points is a lot. It was tempting not to eat it and just go to bed. But I am terrified that my milk supply will dwindle so I did it.
I have also started working out with The F*irm DVDs that I did when I was losing my pregnancy weight with A. I woke up extremely sore yesterday morning so it must be working. The problem with me and weight loss is that it always seems like I should be able to lose weight so quickly that after one week all my old clothes should fit. The prospect of 9 months of WW to get back to normal is so depressing. I have decided that when I get back to my fighting weight I am going to throw all my clothes out (read: donate to charity) and spend some money on some new clothes. I haven't gone clothes shopping for real in probably 5 years. My wardrobe is dated and I am sick of it. Besides, what you can pull off at age 25 is much different than at 31...at least in my opinion.
I am getting my hair colored and possibly cut on July 11th. I need some advice. Should I leave it long or go short? What do you think?
Here is my hair long the day of W's birth
And here is my hair short at my 30th birthday party a year ago
And the shortest it has been in the last three yearsWhich do you like the best?
Maybe keep it long but add some bangs and layers? I don't know. I just need something to make me feel like I am not a harpie and since the weight will take a while to come off I can at least color out my grey hairs and get a flattering haircut.

Thanks Adrianne

For commenting on my last post. I really appreciate your support and understanding. As for the rest of you who read but don't comment...go suck an egg. Just kidding. Sort of.
I am in a bad spot right now. I am not a fan of little babies. The terrible threes are kicking my ass. Combine those two things together and you get me crying myself to sleep last night.
Trust me, I know how lucky I am to have two healthy children. I get that part. And I love both of them with every fiber of my being. However, the temporary loss of independence associated with having a very small baby is always a difficult transition for me. Especially while breastfeeding because you are limited to excursions that are less than two hours long due to the baby's feeding schedule.
W was on me like glue for the last 48 hours and I guess I just reached a breaking point last night when she wouldn't go to sleep until 10:30pm. Because sleeping is the only time that I get to myself nowadays. And since we cosleep it isn't really to myself but it is easier to pretend that it is.
All of this is hard enough to take on its own. But I also started we.ight watchers yesterday as well to try to put a dent in this baby weight. So now I can't even find solace in eating something terribly bad for me but terribly tasty.
Blah.

Mommy Guilt

Yesterday was a terribly frazzling day. I seriously wondered if I should call S home from work because A was on a bender that caused him to spend almost 20 minutes in a row in time out. At one point I actually had to smack him on the butt because he decided during nap time to go outside by himself into the backyard and fill his bed with rocks (this was all done while I was trying to put W down for a nap at the other end of the house). I honestly felt so stressed out that I was calculating how much money it would cost to put A and W in daycare so I wouldn't kill him. And as A's behavior has become more and more obnoxious I am seriously starting to doubt my ability to handle two children.
Do I enjoy smacking my son? No. When I have had to do it I end up feeling like the biggest shit that ever lived. I have asked S for alternate solutions and he hasn't gotten back to me.
I feel like the worst mother in the world. I wish there were some kind of book that I could read that would tell me the best way to parent my children. All I want is for A to grow up to be a good person and to be happy. But I honestly doubt my ability sometimes to translate that desire into parenting him properly.