Doing Better

We are doing better so far this week. I am not sure what inspired the change. A went to stay with my Mom for the weekend and spent his time outside running around and being indulged by his Grandma. I spent the weekend eating my way through all the restaurants around town and spending time with W. It was a nice weekend. I really didn't know how easy I had it with just one child.
I think the time away was good for A and I both. S and I were able to have some conversations about being on the same page with discipline. We are still not in accord with what to do but we did come up with some ideas that we plan to implement this week.
I have come to realize that part of the problem is definitely me. Yes, I know that the 3 readers of my blog probably came to that conclusion weeks ago but I just realized it over the weekend so give me a break. I have been feeding the flames with my reaction to A. I guess I just didn't realize how much until I decided to break the situation down into things that I can control. I cannot control A's behavior. He is a human being and will act how he choose. I CAN control my reaction to him as well as how I choose to teach him about behavior. I CAN lead by example.
My stepdad pointed out that it would be more damaging to A not to show him how to be socially appropriate and compassionate towards others. He is so right. We all remember those kids growing up that nobody wanted to play with because they didn't share, hit, and were bratty. Those kids grow up eventually and end up being the adults that no one wants to play with or work with. So, I realize how important it is to do something about A's inappropriate behavior. I just need to figure out a way to do it that suits his personality. I seriously don't want to end up as an episode of Supernanny two years from now.
Starting yesterday I have been more conscious of my treatment of A. I have been more appreciative of the good things that he does. More calm when he tests his limits. So far it has been working, but A really hasn't been testing me that much either. I am not sure if this is because he senses the change in me or just because he hasn't felt the need to be fractious yet. Time will tell, I suppose. In the mean time I am going to work on appreciating the wonderful aspects of my son's personality.

Welcome to Crazy Town

Population: Me
I feel foolish reading my last post. So inspired and hopeful (I am still going to send my surprises out..it may take me a couple of weeks to get to it, however) . It is like children have a sixth sense about when to pull the fucking rug right out from underneath you. They somehow know when you are getting comfortable with a routine and will do whatever they can to shake things up somehow to keep you on your toes. I should've known better than to settle in and start trying to get a piece of myself back again.
A has started acting out this week in a way that I don't know how to handle. He has taken to scratching S and I and hitting even more. He talks back constantly, won't listen to anything I say, and is as destructive as possible. I really don't know what to do. Time outs don't work. Taking toys away doesn't work. I am at my wit's end and feeling desperate. How do you discipline a child who is unaffected by anything you do to them?
I am also trying to transition W to her crib because sleeping with her in my bed at night was turning into a circus and wasn't safe. She, in turn, is waking up 4 sometimes 5 times a night looking to nurse which she wasn't doing when she was in bed with me. I dread going to bed at night because I know that it will only be an hour or two at the most that I will get to sleep before she wakes me up for the first time. And then its every 2-3 hours after that.
I actually told my son yesterday that I was done. Done with watching him. I have seen people do that on tv before and I always judged. Now I understand why they said it. Because in that moment I was done. Done being scratched and bitten by my son. Done being screamed at and ignored. Done cleaning up his messes. Done waking up all night long with W. Done feeling fat and ugly and unappreciated. Done being his Mommy. Just done.
Oh, how I hated myself after I said it. A doesn't understand what it meant. But I do. And now I feel absolutely filthy for having said it. These children were brought here by me. Intentionally. And now I am forsaking them?
Is my life really all that bad? I am healthy and so is everyone in my family. We have food, clothes, shelter, and a comfortable life. I have lost my sanity, but so what?
I feel brittle enough to break today. I am going to turn to my first loves to put the pieces back together. My friends Jose, ice, limes, and salt.

Paying it Forward - Free Stuff Alert

I have been so impressed with some friends of mine lately paying things forward that I have decided to do the same. Hopefully it will bring some blog lurkers out to say hello as well. Make a comment with your email address or contact me at mine and I will send you something really cool. You have to be willing to give me an address to mail it to you, however.
Don't get your hopes up, it isn't a million dollars or a crockpot. But it does have something to do with music. And that is all I am going to say lest I get sued.
So, contact me and get your free stuff. First ten people to respond to this post get something. I don't even think I have 10 people reading this blog but we will see, won't we.

My last baby

A friend of mine told me that she was pregnant this weekend. I am totally thrilled for you, by the way. But with my thrilling feelings also comes a little sadness as I watch W grow. She will be my last baby. The last time I get to watch a little one grow and change into a person with thoughts and feelings of her own. And while I am happy that I never have to go through the newborn phase again I am a little weirded out by the fact that I will never do it again. Does that make sense?
A is such a character and seeing his personality come through makes me so happy (when it doesn't make me aggravated). He has such an inquisitive mind and is so much like his Dad in many respects. He doesn't like to sit still, doesn't like to sleep much, and is always asking questions.
I got my hair cut and colored on Friday (pictures soon) and I am finally clawing my way to the surface again. W is going down (alone!!!) at 7pm to sleep most nights and allowing me a few hours freedom in the evenings to talk to my husband and basically just veg out. I feel like with my new hair cut and weight loss that I am getting the old Cate back. It is wonderful to stop feeling like a washed out version of myself.
So, I am feeling sad that the baby rearing phase of my life is coming closer to the end every day that W grows. But I am excited that I am beginning to rediscover what it means to be me again.
Part of my journey of self-discovery is to stop comparing myself to other people. But I will cover that more in my next post. W has woken up from her nap and is crying in her crib.

Going well

Not much new to report since last week. W is still the sweetest baby around and I feel so lucky to have her as my last baby. She is such a joy to be around now. True to form, she hit the 3 month mark and just woke up all of a sudden. She started cooing and "talking" this week to make her feelings known. It is wonderful how her personality all of a sudden just blossomed. Babies are amazing in that respect. They start out as these little larval blobs and then wake up one morning smiling, and then wake up one morning laughing, and then on and on to each new skill and before you know it they are walking and talking and telling you that "two farts just came out of my butt." That, by the way, was what my darling son told me this morning as we were sitting on the couch watching cartoons.
A is still adjusting to being a big brother. It is hotter than hell here and so extremely smokey from all the fires burning around that we are banished to remain indoors as much as possible due to the poor air quality. A is stir crazy from being cooped up and I am going crazy from trying to think of ways to entertain him. I am trying to break the cycle of television as baby sitter that we had sort of established when W was a newborn. But there is only so much Candyland a grown woman can play before wanting to gouge her eyes out with the Sugar Plum Fairy card.
I started a playgroup for W in my local Mom's club and it is actually doing well. I am excited to get out of the house every Monday to commiserate with other moms of little ones. I am not sure how this will work when she starts napping more regularly but at this point I am willing to do just about anything to escape the heat and smoke.

12 weeks old

Tomorrow! I can't believe that three months have gone by since little W made her quiet appearance into this world. This last weekend she not only laughed for the first time but she rolled from stomach to back. I had put her down for a nap on her tummy and true to form she woke up 20 minutes later crying. When I went in her bedroom to get her she was on her back, glaring up at me with accusatory eyes. I thought perhaps it was a fluke. After watching her successfully roll from tummy to back 3 times in a row I finally was convinced.
Shit! Dr. F predicted she would be an early crawler but rolling over at three months? I am skeered, very skeered. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it myself.
As for the laughing, well it was very adorable. I was visiting our elderly neighbor and she was talking about something very expressively. After she waved her hand around past W's face, all of a sudden my fat little Buddha baby let out a chortle. We both paused and looked at her convinced that it was just a cough. But sure enough she did it again 2 minutes later. I got her to repeat it briefly the next day by working for about 10 minutes making faces, tickling, and being so silly that my face felt like it was going to fall off.
We have all settled into a routine of sorts, which is nice. A wakes up at 6 am, so I nurse W around 5 and she usually sleeps until 8 or so. It gives me a couple of baby free hours to make A's breakfast, have a cup of coffee, and read teh internets.
After she wakes up and we nurse I plop her in the bouncy seat and shower while A watches morning cartoons. Then we all get dressed and are ready for the day and whatever adventures await us (grocery shopping, park, playdates, etc).
A is doing very well and we have our days where there are almost no timeouts at all. We are still working on his tendency to play punch strangers (if you know me in real life ask me about the mentally disabled people at the mall the next time you see me. It is not a story for the faint of heart). A is convinced he is a superhero. It is adorable and scary at the same time.
Gotta go, baby is awake.