A friend of mine told me that she was pregnant this weekend. I am totally thrilled for you, by the way. But with my thrilling feelings also comes a little sadness as I watch W grow. She will be my last baby. The last time I get to watch a little one grow and change into a person with thoughts and feelings of her own. And while I am happy that I never have to go through the newborn phase again I am a little weirded out by the fact that I will never do it again. Does that make sense?
A is such a character and seeing his personality come through makes me so happy (when it doesn't make me aggravated). He has such an inquisitive mind and is so much like his Dad in many respects. He doesn't like to sit still, doesn't like to sleep much, and is always asking questions.
I got my hair cut and colored on Friday (pictures soon) and I am finally clawing my way to the surface again. W is going down (alone!!!) at 7pm to sleep most nights and allowing me a few hours freedom in the evenings to talk to my husband and basically just veg out. I feel like with my new hair cut and weight loss that I am getting the old Cate back. It is wonderful to stop feeling like a washed out version of myself.
So, I am feeling sad that the baby rearing phase of my life is coming closer to the end every day that W grows. But I am excited that I am beginning to rediscover what it means to be me again.
Part of my journey of self-discovery is to stop comparing myself to other people. But I will cover that more in my next post. W has woken up from her nap and is crying in her crib.
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5 comments:
You will feel this weird loss daily. It is a happy/sad feeling. I still feel it. We are done. And I am so thrilled yet when I see or hear that others are pg. I am jealous, but I HATE newborns and the thought of sleepness nights UGH! But there are times I yearn for someone to cuddle with. Cole is so almost over that... As you know... And Logan please he is my giant!! But the FREEDOM is SOOOO nice!!!
I am *terrified* of that newborn stage, but when I was faced with the possibility of never getting to do it again I was devastated. Even though I hate it, I hated the thought of never holding a little baby and watching him/grow up again.
I think our experience with infertility makes us even more worse for wear when we hear others announce a pregnancy- those pains will always be with us. We know what it's like to lose a baby or to see all those stupid negative tests...
Anyways, you can come over whenever you miss the newborn stage, LOL.
I totally see myself in your comments. My twins just turned 5 and I feel like I am barely getting the hand of being a SAHM and now, bam, we are moving on to a new stage. I think of a new baby...somedays I want one and others....I don't. It's all up to God but I truly wish they would grow just a bit slower....but only on the good days!
Enjoyed your blog..
I totally feel you, girl. We are absolutely positive that we're done (Jonathan's vasectomy is scheduled for next week), but there are moments when I'm hit between the eyes that this is it. No more babies. It's definitely bittersweet.
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more like yourself these days. I can't wait to see your new haircut!
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