I feel foolish reading my last post. So inspired and hopeful (I am still going to send my surprises out..it may take me a couple of weeks to get to it, however) . It is like children have a sixth sense about when to pull the fucking rug right out from underneath you. They somehow know when you are getting comfortable with a routine and will do whatever they can to shake things up somehow to keep you on your toes. I should've known better than to settle in and start trying to get a piece of myself back again.
A has started acting out this week in a way that I don't know how to handle. He has taken to scratching S and I and hitting even more. He talks back constantly, won't listen to anything I say, and is as destructive as possible. I really don't know what to do. Time outs don't work. Taking toys away doesn't work. I am at my wit's end and feeling desperate. How do you discipline a child who is unaffected by anything you do to them?
I am also trying to transition W to her crib because sleeping with her in my bed at night was turning into a circus and wasn't safe. She, in turn, is waking up 4 sometimes 5 times a night looking to nurse which she wasn't doing when she was in bed with me. I dread going to bed at night because I know that it will only be an hour or two at the most that I will get to sleep before she wakes me up for the first time. And then its every 2-3 hours after that.
I actually told my son yesterday that I was done. Done with watching him. I have seen people do that on tv before and I always judged. Now I understand why they said it. Because in that moment I was done. Done being scratched and bitten by my son. Done being screamed at and ignored. Done cleaning up his messes. Done waking up all night long with W. Done feeling fat and ugly and unappreciated. Done being his Mommy. Just done.
Oh, how I hated myself after I said it. A doesn't understand what it meant. But I do. And now I feel absolutely filthy for having said it. These children were brought here by me. Intentionally. And now I am forsaking them?
Is my life really all that bad? I am healthy and so is everyone in my family. We have food, clothes, shelter, and a comfortable life. I have lost my sanity, but so what?
I feel brittle enough to break today. I am going to turn to my first loves to put the pieces back together. My friends Jose, ice, limes, and salt.
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4 comments:
Been there, O How I have been there. More than once, less than always.
Beauty of parenting, Tomorrow is in fact a brand new day. Give yourself that and you give you and your kids an amazing gift.
Big fat reset button the setting sun is. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 days to really reset, But it does.
Im sorry you had such a bad day,
Honey
Hope you enjoyed Jose and he did you some good. Remember children aren't that fragile unless you physically hurt them or start saying stuff like that all the time. I think A will be A-Ok!! Hugs CATE!! Love ya girl!!
Oh, my dear Cate. You sound like you are in rough place. I would give you some assvice, but since I have yet to have to manage 2 children at once anything I would say would be coming out my ass.And, that's not pretty. From what I have read, time-ins are a good replacement for time-outs, but I am still not exactly sure what a time-in actually is. So there you have it.
I don't have any advice to offer you- as others have said, I'm still trying to figure out how to get my 3 year old to cooperate with me. I hate when Deacon says nasty things to me- I know I shouldn't care what a 3 year old says, but it still hurts.
Anyways, hopefully this phase ends soon...
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